I do a lot. I work a lot. I socialize a lot. I read a lot. I write a lot. I travel a lot.
I’ve always been like this. A school friend once told me I was the first non-adult she knew that had a filofax and appeared to actually need one to keep track of my extracurricular life.
This is nothing to be proud of — though people often think it is. We use “busyness” to fake status … “hey, look how busy I am, I must be very important.”
I bring up my compulsion to keep busy during this weekend’s theme of guilt because I’ve a confession to make that connects the two. I reckon the only reason I’m aware of what I’m about to tell you, is because I’m a diarist. I write a lot of things down. Things that seem normal in my head but very odd on paper.
Confession Part B
But I don’t feel I have the earned the right to rest.
Confession Part C
People with real lives – people who are parents and have properly obligatory obligations like raising small humans — these people deserve to rest. I don’t. With no one to take care of but myself – there’s no excuse for my tiredness.
* * *
The C part of this confession suggests I see people who have children as morally superior to me. And I do. It might also suggest that I look down upon all of us who do not. But I really, really don’t I promise — my personal logic (if that’s what it can be called!) doesn’t come into my judgement of you. Only my judgement of me.
This confession is an algorithm for near-constant personal guilt. Sure, this guilt has a big upside. I get a lot done. But the down side is that I’m never satisfied. Which is a real shame and something else to feel guilty about.
If my confession is twisted and a bit mad that doesn’t make me special. Most of us are tuning into equally weird self-assumptions that taken together create the story that we have about ourselves. The reason why these messages are hard to confess, is that they’re very hard to notice in the first place. These are our Ghost Guilts. The invisible “Should’s” that traipse around in our heads. And we all have them. This is why guilt is such a hard thing to track down and dispel.