Morning. Happy Sunday. I’m feeling ill at ease. I haven’t had coffee yet, that’s one reason. But the main reason is that I committed a humiliating act last night at my local. I was peer pressured into it.
I have one of those tragic crushes on the bartender; the kind that anyone who knows me would agree is yes, utterly schoolgirl-ish. It’s not based on any sort of reality of the person, because I practically refuse to speak to them the crush is so bad. Last night my friend Evy took one of my business cards and wrote something on the back like “hi _ _ _ _ _ _, call me, nathalie xx :)” and then showed the card to several male companions who agreed it was a perfectly sane note. The group urged me to hand it to him before I left for the evening.
It also happened to be the first evening _ _ _ _ _ _ ever spoke to me. He walked past me and said “Hi Buddy!” and then commented on something or other. I don’t think “buddy” bodes well for my romantic overtures. The real problem though is that I was meant to SMILE when I handed him my card but no, I just stared at him like I was handing him a summons as he stared down at the card wondering what it was or meant and I just froze with a very unhappy look on my face and then suddenly turned and left.
Now I’m telling you all this because this morning I’ve just realised that this behaviour actually has something important in common with my relationship to money.
After several D.A. meetings this week I can report back that while I don’t have classic debtor issues, I do have what D.A. describes as an “under earner” mentality. I don’t believe those L’Oreal ads. I don’t act like I’m worth it. My behaviour with money is just one way in which I act this out. My behaviour with boys is another. For some reason I’m one of those people who cannot accept that rejections – big rejections and small rejections are just a fact of life. No one likes them. But, if like me, you’ll go to extreme lengths to avoid them then you cut yourself off from all sorts of potential forms of wealth. Financial, social, emotional. Tomorrow we’ll take a close look at risk aversion mentality.
And now I need some coffee and hope that I will eventually find the courage to return to my local. In the interim any suggestions on how I do that and maintain a sense of dignity will be gratefully received. Also, if someone wants to send me some simple instructions on how to smile under duress (in a pleasant rather than Jack Nicholson The Shining, way) that too would be helpful.